So we detoured to London this month. Something to do with plane tickets, riots in Thailand and God's will.  We have spent the month working with many different churches. Mostly, handing out literature and going door-to-door to spread the gospel.  It has been quite a month of change. Third world to first world.  70 degrees to 30 degrees on a good day. Rice to potatoes. Translators to direct communication. Kids at the church  to strangers in the park. One culture to many cultures. Free time to a structured schedule. Privacy to community. These are just a few of the many changes and adaptations this last month brought.

 

One thing has become very apparent to me over these last six months. I am not changing the world, it is changing me. My expectation was to leave a mark on this world.  Oddly, the opposite is happening.  Leaving for the Race, I felt totally prepared. I knew there would be challenges and surprises, and flexibility was a must. Confident I possessed all that I needed, I was ready to face whatever the world had to throw at me.  I grossly overestimated myself and underestimated the world.  I find that in every country I am feeling like I gained more than I gave.

 

The best way to describe my life pre-World Race.  

My experiences this last six months have shattered my unawareness.  

Guatemala is in their first post civil war generation. 

 A country in desperate need of  better education system in order to help allevate the poverty gap.  Cambodia has had to rebuild their country, culture and lives from scratch.

The Khmer Rouge's genocide left a significant wound on the heart of this nation.

Thailand is consumed with sex tourism. It is a normal part of life.

Not many bat an eye at the site of girls selling themselves everyday. 

London is a place of great opportunity that draws many people from all over the world but is spiritually dead.

Speaker's Corner in Hyde Park is a place where Islam and Christianity go head to head and

 try convince the other that they follow the one true God.

This is just the tip of the iceberg.  

6 countries.  

A  handful of cities. 

Each one has a specific need,

a different need, a dire need.  

 

 Greatest lesson learned: I have nothing to offer. Nothing I do will ease their suffering for long or provide for enough of their  needs.  I left so many people thinking, "I wish I could give them more". More time, more money, more help, more hope.  I am empty. I am broken. I am not in control as I once thought. I am not able to change people's hearts and minds. I am not able to do anything but trust God with each of them. 

 

 I wish that I could say that with more joy. Trust God with them. I am finding out that I don't trust God as much as I hoped. I trust Him when He does things my way. But as soon as He goes outside those bounds I get belligerent. I dig in my heels and get down right obstinate.  Many times I discover that I don't want to need grace.  More than I care to admit,  I find no comfort in grace. The need for grace implies that I am lacking. I see all that I am not. Staying in that place of not measuring up, perpetually failing, fighting for control, feeling unsure about myself, God and the world has disastrous effects. Yet time and time again, I find myself caught in the torrent of  such thoughts.

 

Abba's Child by Brennann Manning has given me some hard but excellent insight into this struggle.  I would love to just quote 90% of the book but that's would ruin it  for everyone of you who are going to  read it.

 

 

For the rest of my life, I may be caught in the deep waters of this truth.

Humility is not about behavior modification.

It is true submission to my Abba.

Days and weeks to come will find me both in and out of this place.

But at least now I know I am broken and empty.

Maybe God can use that to change the world.

 

 

 

I was ready for the big city with all it's opportunities for fun and relaxation for our days off.  Alas, that was not in the cards for me this month.  I spent a majority of my time sick. Sleeping, sleeping and more sleeping.  But I thought I should post some of the fun other people had. I would have loved to have been there and so I am living vicariously through my fellow World Racers. Enjoy, but don't look for me!

 

P.S. Not trying to drum up sympathy, I promise.

Thanks to Jessie for letting me live it up through her video.

Looking out over the river Quai through tears, I sang along with David Crowder:

 Where there is pain, let there be grace
 Where there is suffering, bring serenity
For those afraid, help them be brave
Where there is misery, bring expectancy
Surely we can change, Surely we can change something.
And the problem it seems is with you and me
not the love who came to repair everything
I don't know what to with a love like that
I don't know how to be a love like that
When all the love in the world is right here among us
and hatred too and so we must  choose what are hands will do.
  Where there is pain, let us bring grace
Where there is suffering, bring serenity
For those afraid, let us be brave
 Where there is misery, let us bring them relief
surely we can change, surely we can change,


  "I want to walk today,"  She meant business. Jen and Jen helped her up and I steadied her from behind.   Mastering the walker, was no problem.  Her strength surprised us all and gave us reason to praise the Lord. I kept my hands on her back but she was doing all the work.  After making her way back to her chair, the wind picked up and we feared an eminent downpour.  Concerned, we asked if we could help her to a  more sheltered place.  Some words spoken in her native language brought her son over.  He scooped her up and brought her to a neighbor's house. Mon and I followed with her chair. 
  Newly situated and sheltered,  we continued talking to Ekine.  All of the sudden, Ekine was weeping.  Through her tears she spoke about how her husband sometimes beats her. Many times when she needs to use the restroom or has other needs she is beaten.  Looking into her children's eyes as they speak and tend to her, you can see that she is an unwanted  burden.  The loneliness and despair in her words hung in the air. All I could do was stroke her back.  I wanted to run away  because the pain was palpable. Minutesof helpless silence passed. Finally, not able to take it anymore, I said it was time to go. "Tell her that we love her and will pray that her husband's heart will change." This was all the encouragement I could muster.
 We left her sitting there.
  The rains were on their way, but I didn't care. I grabbed my ipod and bible and headed down to the river. I would give anything to take Ekine's pain. I would pay any amount of money to give her relief.
As I am telling God this, I remember that He already paid the price by giving His life for Ekine.
Pain swept over me as the river swirled around my feet. It was the same pain I felt in Cambodia at the Killing Fields. The same pain I felt leaving  Happy Tree the orphanage for children with HIV.  The pain I felt is but one small drop compared to the pain God must feel. To know that he sent Jesus to die so that are suffering would end.  Everything we need or long for is available because of the blood of Jesus Christ, but so many don't know.  Even Christians don't know the freedom Christ died to give us. So I cried.  I cried and asked  that the Holy Spirit would find a prayer for Ekine in my weeping.
  I found no answers, only a peace that passes all understanding.  Literally, I have no understanding of how God is moving in this situation. No understanding of how he will bring grace, relief, joy, serenity, bravery and provision.  No understanding of how I am supposed to help or be obedient. All I know is that I ran out of tears and God gave me peace.
Please pray for Ekine, her husband, her children and her community. Pray for me as well. I want only to be obedient to God's will on earth as it is in heaven. I don't want to leave this place feeling better. I want to leave this place knowing that I was obedient to the will of God.
Even if I don't understand. Even if nothing appears to change.  

 
 
 

 

While in Cambodia, Amy, Jen, Kira, Stephanie and I thought we would take in the sights of one of the 7 wonders of the world.  Angor Watt.  It is the largest temple system still standing, I believe. It is magnificent.  Everywhere you look there is detail carved into every inch of the stone.  Truly wonderful.  I didn't realize that the complex was in it's prime a city.   The granduer of the intricacy of the culture and the structures built to immortalize left me in awe. So different from the  modern society I know. Strip centers, fast food, convenience stores and so on.  I kept thinking that I wish that they had built it for the one true God.  Then it wouldn't all reek of emptiness. I love to go into those place and imagine that it was built for God. I like to look for all the great and small details that remind me of him.  Moss, giant smiling rocks, beautiful carvings, doorways with resting children, incredible trees, and sharing it all with good friends. Just a little tast of what one day on the World Race looks like.  Playing with orphans one day and wandering around one of the 7 wonders of the world the next.

 

 

           New Hope In Christ Church

   Quiet times in the room with a hole cut in the floor so as not to interfere with the slide.

 

  Writing vocab words with the white board marker.

     

     

Deserts- Brownies, apple strudel and half-baked cookies from a toaster oven almost every  night

 

  Losing my shoes after every English class.

     T our personal tuk-tuk driver.

       

  Shopping. Eveything from DVD's to clothes to jewelry.  I got one of everything.

     

        

   My new friends: Roni, Naomi, Charlie, Luke, Mr. Vanna, Srang, Tavy 

  

        Roni becoming a Sister in Christ! Go Jesus

     

  Elephants, elephants that hang out in parks

 

     

        Last but not least, our amazing and gracious host, Pastor Keat and Sally Kov.

 

            Check out these blogs from some of the other girls on G:raKia.

                        A God of Pursuit - Krystal Longmire

                       Tuol Sleng - Kira Guerke

                     Cambodia & Angkor Wat in Photos - Jennifer Leverett

             Cambodian Adventures- Lisa Smith

                                                 

        

 

        

        

Jen also did an excellent video. 

 

My philosophy is there can never be enough Happy Tree!

Katie Rowland did an awesome job of capture our time at Happy Tree. I was so thankful for all her efforts. There was no way I was going to get through all the footage without disentigrating into a blubbering mess. I could not even watch  the video without crying. Here are some precious memories of our kids at Happy Tree.

 

 

 

Keo and Kara, peas in pod.  From the first moment, I stepped through the gate at Happy Tree, the orphanage in Phnom Penh, we were inseparable.  I am not sure what made her pick me, but after the first day, we were fast friends.  I let her use my camera which probably helped. Officially, she was the keeper of my way cool sunglasses. Everyday we would grow a little bit closer.  Her size will fool you; even though she looks about 10 she is actual 14.   She never looked aimless, unless she just woke up from a nap.     

 

    

 

 

 She dragged me all over the orphanage,showing me her room and where she like to hang out.  Keo Lakana always seemed to have a purpose.Mostly, during those two weeks, she purposed to take pictures of her and her posse in every room, every tree or shrub and in front of anything remotely interesting.  Keo had such a big heart. She was always taking care of others.  There was one baby in particular that she doted on all the time.  He was included, she made sure of that.  Also, she took care of me.  Always explaining as best she could in charades and even shoving spoonfuls of her sweet lentil mush into my mouth for snack. 

     

 

 I love the look on her face when I  first arrive.  Eyes that danced and a face that was radiant with joy.  Alternatively, leaving was the worst.  However, we made up our own goodbye. We would say and sign, "God loves you. I love you too! See you tomorrow." It was said at least  ten times before I would pry myself away and head for the tuk-tuk that was waiting to take me home.  I loved knowing that I would see her tomorrow.

 

Finally, our last day at Happy Tree had arrived. I had prepared myself for it to be hard. I am not going to cry because it will just make it harder on the kids. I repeated this to my self to build my resolve . We finished our planned program and the kids treated us to traditional Cambodian dancing and some not so traditional Cambodian Dancing.

 

                                  

I know now how my mom must have felt at all my dance recitals growing up. I was so proud and determined to capture every second on video.  The other girls were the same way. We kept saying we felt like parents.  The program was ended  with a song, Sank you Sank you Jesu.  I'm pretty sure it was Thank you, Thank you Jesus, but it will forever be remembered as the former.  The program ran long so we had to rush to leave.  It wasn't  until the last moment I even realized this could possible be the last time we would ever see each other.  Wrapping my arms around Keo, I held her so tight and she held on like she was never going to let go. My will no longer had control of my tears. Our embrace would never be long enough to satisfy either one of us.  Keo and Kara, peas in a pod. Wet peas.  

 

For the first time in two weeks, Keo didn't walk me to the gate. We didn't say our special goodbye.  There was no joy to be found in those last moments. I left her at the steps, the saddest I had ever seen her. Turning to go, I didn't dare look back.  I would never make to the gate. About halfway to the gate, I was sobbing uncontrollably.  Jen put her arm around me. "It hurts so much" is all could say over and over again.  " I can't do this 7 more times," I cried.  Poor Jen, I sob the whole way back to the tuk-tuk.  I hated being one more person to leave her. One more person who says " I love you" and doesn't stay.  One more person who can't really make anything better.  Keo Lakana has HIV and will never leave that orphanage.  She is home.

 

My only hope is to pray that the seeds we planted and the love of the dedicated workers at the orphanage will bring her hope. Eternal hope. A hope in Jesus Christ as her Savior, friend, and King. I look forward to the day when Keo and Kara will once again be peas in a pod hanging out behind a much nicer gate.